how to give body image the finger

sometimes i like to have cake for breakfast, a doughnut or two for lunch, and some chocolate chip cookies for dinner because i'm a mother fucking adult. i pay rent, i go to work, and i'm working on securing some health benefits one day in the distant future--so i can eat cake for breakfast if i want to. but of course, this celebratory lifestyle leads to those days when my jeans feel tight, my coat won't button, and my mood gets real sour. here are a few things i do to feel instantly better:

1. tilt your mirror at an angle
while trying on clothes at h&m a few weeks ago, i caught myself thinking, damn i look good and i knew it wasn't the cheap, questionable quality of h&m ware, so i peeked around the corner of the floor length mirror to see what sexy magical nymph was mimicking my moves in the mirror--and lo and behold, i noticed just how angled the mirror was. now, i'm really bad at math (defying stereotypes, holla), but if i had to guess i'd say the mirror was propped up at a nearly 30 degree angle--the perfect number to make me look tall, skinny, and smug as hell.

so, like any asshole who makes you feel fat, ugly, or unworthy, handle it and make that bitch lean (30 degrees or so).

2. be active doing the things you like
while i get stupid-excited about the chance to sit on the couch all day and do nothing the way other people get stupid-excited about porn--i concede i must undergo some sort of physical activity to burn off the cinnamon rolls i consume by the dozen. however, no one said you have to go to the gym. fuck gyms. gyms are for pretty people being pretty in front of other pretty people -- or swole people being swole in front of other swole people ... or for the very few, normal people trying to work out, but you average outliers, i have nothing to say to you, carry on. i like to climb, boulder, jump animatedly at the prospect of a warm cinnamon roll, and roll around in the grass with my dog. these are all physical activities that burn cinnamon roll calories.

so, do fun things that require moving your limbs; chase food trucks, take up kick boxing, try yoga, stalk a really active person, or whatever other fun things kids are doing now.

3. eat whatever the fuck you want
as long as you have some vegetables to balance out the gluttony (cauliflower chocolate cake, just sayin'), then my god eat whatever the hell tickles your fancy. eat cake for breakfast and a chocolate covered churro for lunch, eat an avocado at 2 am between fisting drinks, and then finish off the night by eating a sexy ass man or woman before bed. enjoy everything you put in your mouth, and don't punish yourself for having a good time.

so, know your limits and eat accordingly--some of us have been training for the last 26 years and can easily polish off an entire bag of chips in one sitting. word.

4. use your scale upside down
fuckkkk scales. turn that piece of shit upside down and then step up on it. assess your weight by how you feel. here's my mantra: today, i ______, ate _______, and feel _________.  so as i stepped on my overturned scale earlier tonight i said: today, i walked around costco (which equals a thousand miles because  it's stupidily big), ate a dozen rainbow-colored macarons and a churro, and feel fucking awesome.

so, do that. because the number behind how much you weigh isn't nearly as significant as how you feel at that weight. jokes aside, if you are feeling heavy and sluggish at your current weight, don't beat yourself up and don't harp on what the scale says (because fuck scales). just do more of the above fun stuff and perhaps eat just 6 macarons instead of 12.

5. fuck being happy about your body
body image bullshit comes in 2 magazine headlines: 1) how to get the perfect body  2) how to be perfectly content with your body. with either choice, you're still seeking perfection and what other aspect of your life is ever 100% perfect? sometimes you love your job and are perfectly content and other times you want to set your cubicle on fire--i absolutely adore and love my perfect dog, charlie, but sometimes he takes a giant shit on my laptop, and i love him a little less.

so, be ok with the fact that some days you're going to love your body a little less (like when you're hung over). some days you'll rub your little rice pouch and wonder if you should have had that extra bowl for dinner (yes.) whereas other days your arms look stellar in that corduroy vest (because who.the.fuck. doesn't look stellar in a corduroy vest). for the days that i really feel the prominence of my pouch, i don my favorite pair of jeans or that hot dress that i think i look awesome in and get.the.fuck on with life. if you think you look good, so will everyone else.

6. cut the size tags off all your clothes
just fucking do it.

what are your favorite ways to give body image the finger? leave your suggestions in the comments because i may or may not have--but most definitely did eat a shoe box-sized mound of french fries before typing this out, and will be tilting my mirror a little more than 30 degrees tomorrow.

see you next thursday,
melissa