So anyone who knows me well, knows that I am very passionate about social justice and racial/ethnic relations. I’m particularly interested in learning about the commonalities between the Asian American, Latino, and black communities. Now, I wasn’t as open-minded back in the day as I am now – I was actually scared of black people. But this was what I learned from my parents and by society at large as I was growing up. I was fortunate, though, to be exposed to a number of opportunities in college that made me step out of my comfort zone. Joining a multicultural sorority (Theta Nu!) and learning more about my own culture and history through Asian American courses at UT were two of the main stepping stones that started this process of change for me. I find that it’s my charge now to educate others, or at the very least, to challenge their way of thinking. Seeing how my parents immigrated here from Vietnam to the U.S., how they worked their asses off to raise my siblings and I in a good home, and seeing how other immigrants and people of color are exploited in the U.S. gives me more reason to continue the work that I do. That being said, I have no tolerance towards blatant, racist comments.
I don’t really associate with raging racists; and in my circle of friends, fortunately, no one is like that. But, they could still have preconceived notions about different groups – race is always going to be a complex and controversial matter – that is almost always going to be the case when you are raised and influenced by specific factors. I can certainly say I’m more aware than some of my friends about race issues but shit, I study this for a living so of course, I’m going to be more acutely aware of my surroundings and put on my critical analysis glasses when I feel the need.
So when it comes to raging racists, I have to bite my tongue or get someone to hold me back because I get that close to punching that bitch in the throat. There is a friend of a friend of a friend who has a tendency to say some really hateful stuff and it just blows my mind how you can judge someone based on their skin color.
She won’t hang with you if a black person or a Mexican (I really hate the word “Mexican” by the way) person is going to be with you. Shit like: “I’ll pass because Mexican people scare me” or “That black person must have some watermelon and fried chicken.” She isn’t the only one who shares these same opinions – there are plenty of racist people out there; but in my life, she is the closest one I’ve heard about who says these outrageous things. In the bigger picture, she continues a vicious cycle of pitting minorities against minorities when really minorities are up against a system that supports white privilege.
So the big question is: How do I approach this person when it takes every living thread in my body NOT to punch her in the ovaries?
-Diane
tough one indeed. in my experience, you have to approach the person calmly and kindly. if you come at them aggressively, then they get defensive and are not going to listen. often times, they'll just repeat the hurtful things they're saying because they want to get a rise outta you.
ReplyDeletehere's an example: in one of my classes, there was an older gentlemen. he was answering a question when he used the term, "Oriental". now that word never fails to raise my blood pressure, even if it's used innocuously to refer to a rug; given the word's history and connotations, my eyes bulge even then. it's reactionary. so i couldn't catch myself before i stood up and yelled, "that word is offensive. if you'd like to refer to someone who looks like me, say asian american."
i sat back down. the entire class was silent. the man raised his eyebrows and continued on with his answer. the professor looked at me, nodded, and that was it. the second i sat down, i knew i handled it wrong. i tried to approach the man after class but he scurried out quickly.
so i emailed him when i got home. i apologized for yelling and told him i was in the wrong with my approach and was honest with him that the word is so hurtful i can't help but react that way. i explained to him just what "oriental" means to us, how it's been used, and then gave him links to other articles in case he wanted to know more.
he wrote me back and said he had no idea about the history and connotations of the O word, and thanked me for contacting him in a more calm manner to explain. he said hearing my personal take on the situation as well as reading the more academic critics helped him understand why he should cease using a term that he had grown up with and thought standard.
it's small, but that was one of my happiest moments to know that one less person would be using the word "Oriental", and not just because i said it's a shitty word, but because he understood what it meant.
by the way, speaking of words and connotations, i share your feelings of cringing every time someone uses the word, "Mexican", because down here in Texas, it's usually used with a tinge of malice; like a slur, it's usually used when casting blame--for economic problems, immigration, etc.
ReplyDeletebut while i was living in new york, "Mexican" was often used to describe, well, a person originating from Mexico, and there wasn't always the same tinge of malice behind it. but i still cringed and felt uncomfortable wondering what words would follow.
it's fascinating, words and connotations. and how it differs from region to region. and how we an address the differences when using these words.
how we can* address...
DeleteThat's a good point Melissa. Definitely down south, "Mexican" is used more as a slur/derogatory term. I either heard "dirty Mexican" and other phrases I don't care to repeat. Here in DC, people use the term referring to the origination...and I tend to correct them by saying "Latino." Habit of mine. But it is very fascinating.
Delete"So the big question is: How do I approach this person when it takes every living thread in my body NOT to punch her in the ovaries?"
ReplyDeleteThere's a TED Talks that covers this that I recommend: http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_lesser_take_the_other_to_lunch.html
The other thing...is that through trying to be P.C., I believe people get to a point where they become condescending in their effort to be nice about what they're trying to say. I'm here to say, it's okay to make mistakes. Everyone's going to get things wrong. It's not about being afraid of saying something wrong, more so of the WAY you say it, your INTENT, and your ACTIONS.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I've began to recognize I can't read the mind of people and their sensitivity to certain issues. Rather than guess and try to be P.C., I just try to ask them "how do you identify with this?" and "are you familiar with this?" It's worked great when the questions centered around cultural and ethnic issues.
I also care to ask "why?" I think people aren't born into certain types of thinking, and so I want to know their reasons. More importantly for me, I want to see if they have the ability to empathize with the "other side." Simply put, for me, people who cannot tolerate other viewpoints aren't worth the time to talk to because I have nothing to contribute to them when they're not willing to listen.
"Simply put, for me, people who cannot tolerate other viewpoints aren't worth the time to talk to because I have nothing to contribute to them when they're not willing to listen."
Deletei agree. i think everyone reaches this realization after many failed attempts of trying to get someone to see their point or where they're coming from. i remember expressing frustration to an advisor about a specific someone who just wouldn't listen to my side or even try to see another point of view; she told me it wasn't my place to demand someone see things the way i do. if they refuse to try and view things outside of their own position, then that's their right (no matter how close minded we see them.) i had never thought of it that way, that i was trying to assert that type of dominance over them, so that has really stuck with me.
"Rather than guess and try to be P.C., I just try to ask them "how do you identify with this?" and "are you familiar with this?"
DeleteThose are usually my methods of trying to understand where a person is coming from. What I also do, from my academic tendencies thanks to my master's program, is also provide evidence/research to back my argument. I know this won't change the other person's way of thinking but I at least know I had a firm argument/position. I can walk away knowing I did my best to have a discussion with this person, but it's still frustrating when you're dealing with a SUPER racist. Maybe I'm being optimistic, but I think it takes constant interaction and a LOT of patience to not necessarily change their way of thinking but at least plant the seed for constructive thinking and analysis.